The Wrestling Rant

How Vinnie Mac is like a ho


Vince McMahon should be a beautiful woman. He prick-teases WWF fans so much with false hope that I think this would suit him better than his current physical form. Think about it. If he looked like…I dunno…Jasmine St. Claire and gave us the lap dance that is RAW every Monday night, at least we could deal with that better. At least in a lap dance there is the slight possibility that you may go off half-cocked rather than not go off at all. Take all the references to Ric Flair in the last month or so, for instance. J.R. and Paul E. mention him every chance they get. The Rock comes out to talk about the history of the WCW title and whom does he mention? Slick Ric. Hell, he even did the walk. And Vince thinks that he didn’t just give every WCW or Flair fan a hard-on to see the legend himself? Yeah, right.


The WWF has been notorious for this kind of shit for a long time. Every year around the time of the Royal Rumble, the WWF starts prick-teasing us by stating that there will be surprise entrants in the Rumble. Usually, it’s Jerry Lawler or Jim Cornette but it is hard not to dream of people otherwise. Remember back in 1998 when it was rumored that Hogan was going to be in it? His WCW contract had expired and he was a free agent at the time. Sure it was a long shot, but at least it was realistic. Or how at Wrestlemania 2000’s Hardcore Battle Royal that Rob Van Dam and Sabu were going to show up. Another realistic scenario considering McMahon’s pre-existing friendship with Paul E. The whole Undertaker/Higher Power fiasco from ’99 was probably the worst case of hope fans have ever had to deal with. Not only was Vince revealed as ‘Takers lord, but it only ceased to further the current overexposure of the McMahon family. Like Jim Sinister Minister Mitchell couldn’t have made that role truly memorable. Why does Vince keep doing this to us? Because he hates us? Because he wants to insult our intelligence? No, because Vince is that hot-ass stripper that gets us hard, and no matter how bad he burns us and leaves us with blue balls, we’ll always let him do it. Maybe, just maybe, one day we will be the fuckers instead of getting fucked.


Ric Flair Dream Scenario, Take 1


It’s 8:05pm CST on a Monday night. You’re watching TNN and RAW is on. The recap of last week’s programming has just ended and the Rock strolls out to the stage and delivers the following shtick:


(As the chants of ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! die down.)

Finally the Rock has come back to (insert metropolis here)! Booker T, the Rock is getting sick of your pathetic little attempts at challenging the most electrifying man in sports entertainment. If you think that you can even hold the Rock’s jock strap after a 10 mile run, you are mistaken. The Rock wouldn’t let you near his jock strap. But what the Rock will let you do is kiss the Rock’s ass if you think that he will let you challenge him for the WCW title at Unforgiven. The Rock is the greatest WCW champion of all time. Better than the American Dream Dusty Rhodes, if you weeeel. Better than Hulk Hogan, brah. Better than, dig it, the Macho Man. And better than you, sucka. The Rock is the greatest WCW champion of all time because he is… the Rock. So, Booker T, there will be no rematch. There will be no further comments from the Rock about this topic. There will be no more Booker T in the race for the WCW title. The Rock can’t stand to carry WCW trash like you any longer and is hereby declaring himself emperor of WCW. And the Rock’s first act as WCW emperor will be to disassemble WCW and take out the trash that came along with it! So Booker T, Lance Storm, Diamond Dallas Page, Mushmouth, ReRun, and Ricky Ricardo – pack your WCW bags up, fix ‘em up real nice, and stick ‘em straight up your candy…

Just before the Rock finishes one of his famous catchphrases, a familiar music hits the air followed by a loud…

Woooooooooo!

And out strolls the Nature Boy looking dapper as ever in a shirt and tie. He struts in front of the TitanTron and soaks in the adulation of REAL wrestling fans in attendance in the crowd. After recognizing the crowd, he turns to the Rock and says…


Duane! Woooooooo! Johnson! Rocky Johnson’s boy. All growed up now, ain’t ya’? Comin’ out here in ya’ shirts and all holdin’ the WCW title over your head like a true champion. Tell the fans all about the past of WCW like you know what the hell went on. Make your daddy proud, don’t ya’? Course, it ain’t hard to make a loser like him proud, is it? What’s he doin’ now anyway, Rock? Five to ten, ain’t it? Doesn’t matter anyway…so you want to get rid of WCW, huh? Pal, ha ha ha, you don’t know the first thing about WCW or what it means. That belt has been around longer than me and Vince McMahon combined! Only the best of the best have held that belt. Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Harley Race, Ricky Steamboat…and yours truly. The Nature Boy has been lucky enough to hold that honor fourteen times in his long career. I’ve beat nothing but the best, and nothing but the best have beaten me. So now, Rock, you come out here telling everyone just how great you are and how you’re going to be the man to put WCW out of business once and for all. Buddy…not on my watch. See Rock, there’s an old saying that still holds true: to be the man, WOOOOOOOOO!, you’ve got to beat the man. And Rock, you haven’t beaten the man yet; not by a long shot. You may have fought your Austin’s, your Undertaker’s, and your Angle’s, but you never beat the Nature Boy. And anybody who’s anybody in this business has had to tangle with Slick Ric at least once in their career. I may be an old man, Rock, but I can still kick your ass – Space Mountain ain’t closed down just yet, You want to say you’re the greatest? You want to prove you’re the best WCW champion of all time? Then brother, ha ha ha, time to put up or shut up. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


And thus begins the first interesting feud the Rock has ever been a part of…